i say a little prayer ….

This ends now. Months of frustration, humiliation, self-pity, loneliness and obsession must now come to an end. I can no longer live with myself, with the rage that is inside my head. The battle of mind and heart is too much for me to endure and seemingly my sanity lies in the balance. I lost this battle before it has begun for the simple fact that I am not strong enough a person to cope with my best friend’s betrayal. Staying away from him, is the hardest thing for me to do. If by chance our paths should cross again, assuming the burning feelings that I have inside my heart are completely extinguished, I will not hesitate to tell him in its entirety the excruciating anguish that he put me through. The anguish that no one human being in this world deserves, not even if I am the most evil person in this world. And ask him, while our eyes are locked together, what kind of a person are you?

This is something I am doing for myself. Writing this letter for the sole purpose of reminding myself of what I am going through. Everyday is a beginning of a new pain for me. I am well aware of my shortcomings and my share of responsibility for everything that transpired. But why the hell am I going to beat myself up over and over when I know deep down inside I don’t deserve this? I have given everything I had. I set aside my principles for the sake of saving what he and I had; but that wasn’t enough for him. No, that wasn’t enough. I always questioned whether or not he thrives on my misery. In fact as the old cliché goes: Opposites attract proved to be untrue.

I had been wanting to do this for so long but always putting it off because I wasn’t ready to let go. I’m still probably not ready but I have no choice, push came to shove. I must get out of this and rise above the situation. This is it, time for me to reflect on everything that I can possibly remember as painful as they may be. Log it down and let the tears flow and cross my fingers that in the end I come out a better person.

And so I close this chapter of my life with a prayer: If my heart can’t have him, and my arms can’t hold him, may Lord, give me the strength to forget him, just like the strength He gave me to love him.